Are happy people inconsiderate? I wonder if there is something in the nature of appreciating all the good that makes you over-look the bad. But would that really be a bad thing? Just because something doesn't upset you, doesn't mean you can't recognize that there are things that are wrong, and actively work to do something about them. It actually seems like being happy would give you more positive energy to invest in righting wrongs.

Or maybe the issue comes with empathy. If someone is trying to pull you up to their perspective, even if you can recognize that they seem happier, it's sometimes frustrating to try to identify with someone who isn't really bothering to empathize with you.

But I often find, with happiness comes love. If you have extra love to give, it can spread easier. And if you're happy you're less self-centered. The principle of the full or empty cup. A cup that is over-flowing has more to give.

Been thinking a lot about goodness lately. Sometimes I feel like the moments where I gave into something which weakened my soul have done some serious damage. But on the otherhand, I give a lot of sway to the saying "It's not where you've been, but where you're going." For a long time I lived so I could honestly say that I didn't do a lot of things that I didn't believe in, and hadn't tried things that were considered "bad", but eventually I realized I was living by someone elses standard.

Anyways, as time goes on, It's easy to see more and more ways to pick oneself up, spiritually and otherwise, to look inwards and feel better about your soul, and look outwards and feel better about other people. And I've been trying to gain the momentum to do as much good in the world as I've ever done bad, and as people have ever done bad to me, as that seems the only way to truly break the cycle of ill-will.

I've read that people are happier if they feel like they're part of something bigger; God or Existance or a community. I'd have to agree.

Thinking of going celibate for awhile. I had a dream last night, not about anything inparticular, but sort of me talking to a lot of people I know about why they did things, but not really talking more just understanding. It almost feels like I'm starting to come full circle.

I've been trying to really open myself up to my own flow lately. Who I really am, accepting that who I am may change at any moment, and what I really want. A problem is that I tend to change my mind a lot about things, not just the regular ones but big life decision type things.

So anyways, I've been alone a lot lately. Not just by myself, because there are often people around, but trying to really be alone internally. Understand the difference? In the one hand, there is the mental state where whether you're with people or alone you're mentally interacting with them, sort of a consistant social state. On the other hand, there is trying to truly be by yourself and experience life in the moment when you're by yourself, and even when you're with people you're with them as you the person not you the projected self.

Part of being alone means priorities realign. Growing up Mormon I was always forced to be a lot of things, with a lot of guilt attached. Forced to be chaste, modest, self-abasingly kind to others, deferential to men. (There were a lot of good Mormon things too, don't get me wrong). Also, monks and those who devote themselves to spirituality are supposed to do a lot of similar things (sans defering to men, they just defer to masters). So, celibacy and chasteness, kindness, humility tend to accompany things like spirituality and religiousness.

For a long time I thought this was mainly to hold the social fabric together and keep the followers of religions tractable. Or it's because those who are truly enlightened have surpassed things of this world, so may as well take away the things of this world (pride, lust, etc.) pre-emptively and see what happens.

I had a bit of a wild phase coming out here, and I was fully intending on continuing it for the next couple years until I went back to the US for law school. I figured now was a good time for that sort of thing, good to get repression out, I'm young and healthy, that sort of thing.

But suddenly I realized I'm not sure I want to, after all the situations are in place to be able to do so. I'm thinking I don't want to do something that hurts other people so much... I thought that it would be okay because I'm a chick, and don't guys like things casual anyways? But then I hurt people, and am tempted to lie to avoid hurting people I care about, and anything that leads to dishonest is not cool.

And due to my intelligent nice guy fetish, it often tends to be guys I respect, or at least think are sweet, that end up getting hurt. Not only that, it sabatoges whatever relationship we may have had whether or not they get hurt, as somehow sex changes things.

Plus, suddenly something in me wants to wait until I can really have love flowing. Not necessarily in the romantic sense, I'm actually trying to avoid that right now. But have love flowing in the more Buddhist sense of the word. Until I can love myself so much that I'm overflowing with love for mankind. Whatever comes after as an expression of that is cool with me, so long as things are based on love, consideration, and honesty. I don't want to limit anyone, and I don't want them to limit me.

So I feel I came full circle. I think I'm drifting towards those character traits usually associated with being "nice" again. But this time they're coming from inside, and perhaps after it all I'll be able to center and achieve that true love where all of existence can flow through you. That would be nice.

Life is tough sometimes. Tough to do the things you want to do even though it may go against what you've always valued. Hard to pursue personal development when society mainly values things that encourage social development. I'm just sad. I broke up with someone angelic who I really believe in, for internally valid reasons but other times I just want warm security rather then growing up and facing the world for what it is. Maybe I'll drink some hot cocoa and cry.

There's something to be said for just "___" (insert word here). Just being, just doing, just loving. Our minds are our significant evolutionary advantage insofar as we can utilize them well, but often it seems like it almost interferes with life.

Just being able to do things, be yourself, and love without imposing your own template on the other person is one of the trickier things in life, but ultimately the most rewarding. As you do things you feel more free and empowered and capable. And as we just be, our internal flow is freed up, and as we just love we cease being disappointed and start to really appreciate.

Isn't life great?

My Mom once told me a story of a beautiful blond girl up in her perfect room in her perfect house. A friend was visiting her for the first time who was just in awe of this girl. She was beautiful, good at school, good at sports, and perfectly poised. Her room was great too, with trophies, dolls, and everything a talented girl should have.

When the girl went out of the room for a few minutes the friend decided to snoop around and opened the door to the closet. To the friend's horror, the closet floor was just littered with decapitated and dismembered Barbie dolls.

The friend swung around to see the girl standing behind them. Her explanation: "Sometimes I get angry."

After having been through what feels to me like a lot, but which is actually probably no more or no less then what everyone else goes through, I'm surprised by how angry I feel at people sometimes. Even when things are going great and luck is on my side, I have moments where I'm angry at the times it wasn't. As though the streak of mean people somehow can over-ride a mostly excellent life.

And though I have learned and grown from it all, I occasionally still find myself strangely drawn to thoughts of revenge (btw, here's an interesting article on that http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2004/08/0827_040827_punishment.html ). Why is it the influence of all the great people who you loved the most can fade in some moments and the influence of the not-so-great people you liked the least somes to the forefront of your mind? They say revenge is sweet, but what got me through middle school was the thought that somehow I could break the cycle by being nice to as many people as had ever hurt me.

I'm trying to get back to my pre-disaster level of optimism, but I still think it's there.
Especially as more good people enter into life. Growing up Mormon, they always said that the witness comes after the trial of your faith. Translated out of religious lingo, that basically means bad stuff will happen, but that if you manage to endure it well things will turn out even better, or you'll at least have grown and be able to see further. After things got as bad as they could possibly seemingly get, good people and things started filtering in and it ended up turning out pretty well in the end.

But in the end, another important lesson, is I can't be perfect. Everyone I meet seems to have a different version of what perfect is anyways, and trying to fulfill all of it, or figure out which version is right is enough to drive anyone batty. Goodness knows I tried.

Sometimes I'm irrational. Most of the time I compulsively think about things so much I lose awareness of my surroundings (absent-minded professor syndrome). I'm pretty and scruffy. I'm cheerful and jittery. And sometimes I get angry.

Sometimes it feels good to get it all out.

If you think about it, what are the things that make people happy, especially in reasonable sized doses?

Well, money for one. Not in and of itself, but as our society is money-based, most people need enough money to care for basic human needs, such as food, shelter, medical care, as well as a bit of recreation to lighten things up.

Attractiveness. It's biologically encoded, especially when you're younger. You want to be reasonably attractive to the opposite sex. Enough to attract a well-matched mate, or have your pick among several. Relationships form a cornerstone of society, and though it isn't absolutely necessary, it sure does help.

Food. Everyone needs to eat, and most normal people have things they like more than others. The hungrier you are, the more pleasurable it is to eat. And there are things humans find especially good.

Respect and social connection. Once again, as social animals we like to be respected within the group and have our friends and feel connected.

But yet, somewhere along the line things stopped being reasonable.

When did quality of life cease to matter?

And indulgence lose its connection to satisfaction?

Modern society, exemplified in the US but spread throughout the world, seems to have lost it's perspective. It's almost a disease. People work harder and harder to get more money and possessions, without bothering to relax and enjoy what they worked so hard to get. Money in and of itself is the pursuit. But money is meaningless by itself, only a concept. And lives are lost to it.

Attractiveness gained in importance as a major value in society, especially for women. It's a consideration for jobs and general success. Of course it's nice to be around attractive people, but how important is it really for 40 year old women to have similar pressures put on them as 21 year olds? Respect for every age, and equal value for each. I hope when I'm 40 society has ceased comparing attractiveness to an arbitrary ideal, and instead I can just be a person. I don't want the pressure to look like a model, or feel like I should want to look like a model. I'm perfectly happy not being in a display profession. Plus, attractiveness shouldn't require surgery, starvation, or spending lots of money on clothes and make-up and hair. Who's deciding these things anyways? The same people who are declaring that money makes people happy? Our money is probably making THEM happy.

Food has ceased being sustainative and just become over-indulgent. It doesn't help to make yourself sick, and it won't make you happier, I've tried. Those big portions really AREN'T necessary.

Last of all, fame doesn't make people live better lives, and no matter how you can come off to people, it's real connections that always make the difference. If you want more love, you aren't going to get the enduring kind by getting more shallow attention.

It's scary, and it kind of hurts, that we have so much more than before but that it's only become excessive emphasis on those tangible things we recognize make us happy up to a point. And now the things that used to help make our lives better, are making our lives worse.

I feel like I've grown less creative as I get older. Is it society? Is it biochemical? It seems like the concensus is that most people get less creative as they get older unless they make creativity a priority.

I was watching The Neverending Story, and they described the Nothing as what is left when your hopes and dreams disappear. You know, that dark forboding swirling mist (which wasn't the same as in the book, but then, movies never are). Though that seemed appropriate. Whatever is left after dreams and hopes disappear isn't very fun.

It was easier as a kid, things would just flow. Now it feels like there are almost blocks to a lot of things that somewhere I picked up were "irrelevent" or "not productive or reasonable"

How can we clear ourselves of the "nurture" parts of ourselves and get back to nature?

And would that really be a good thing?

A lot of what I read says it's healthy to discover who you really are and clear yourself down to the innate humanity in all of us. So far so good. But how far down is really good? And pursuing anything with a concept or a goal in mind, is it really "natural" or is it just another, arguably healthier form of "nurture."

We've all heard the nurture versus nature debate, and scientistific research periodically swings one way or the other. Sometimes they insist people are mostly social conditioning (nurture), and other times it's discovered that humans are a lot more determined by their genetics (or nature) then we would ever suspect.

I figure, if they can breed a dog to point, or to fetch, both VERY specific behaviors, then humans have the capacity to have a great deal bred into us as well.

Working with very young children, it seems to me that people aren't really born good. We're probably born social but fairly selfish. If the social concern can over-ride the selfish, you have a pretty nice child on your hands. But if the selfish over-rides the social concern, that one child can make life difficult for everyone else in the classroom.

Yet some of the most progressive people are those who took the time to get away from society and really focus on themselves.

A book on charm my mother gave me as a teenager said that we should always be ourselves, but our nicest, best, most considerate selves.

Perhaps there's something to that.

Sometimes I feel like there's a conflict between being myself and being good. Any concept of what I "should" do inevitably conflicts with a number of other viewpoints I've absorbed along the way. The whole concept of goodness is reinforced from without, and to really delve into myself it's as though I have to forget what "good" is and even what my ideal goal is. It feels like a paradox. I want to center myself and get to know myself so I'll be at peace and have better flow. I'd like to be a centered person abounding with love for everyone. But as soon as I start to form a conception of what I'd like to be like, there's a million viewpoints on what I should do and how I should do it, and I feel like a deer in the headlights. The whole concept of "should" seems innately flawed. "Should"s are imposed from without, and a concept of "good" and "virtue" are tied to a collection of socially implied "should"s. Being open to so many different perspectives really makes one realize how many conflicting convictions there are. And for every conviction there's an exception, several conflicting analyses, and a conflicting conviction. Perhaps I'll just create my own reality and imprint it with all my own "should"s. Or maybe that's what I've already done, and I need to snap out of it and stop caring. Ah, the mysteries of the universe.